


Castle of Glass

by nanasteiger



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Character Study, I am in love with Evan Buckley and I will defend him till my last breath, M/M, The Buckleys are Bad Parents, and this fic is my testimony, episode s03e05: rage, lots of glass references, writers stop making him dirty and let him be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-30 21:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21146810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanasteiger/pseuds/nanasteiger
Summary: Ispired by @adamngoodbatch 's post after the last episode, 3x05One person who doesn’t know Evan Buckley’s life, that sees him from afar, from behind a beautiful glass, might presume that he has the happiest, most fulfilling, rewarding life.It could be argued that that shiny, beautiful glass through which Evan Buckley makes everyone see his life has been strategically manufactured by mister Evan Buckley himself. It could be said that he has spent years and years building the glass, polishing it to perfection and trapping himself behind it.





	Castle of Glass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adamngoodbatch (sibbed)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/gifts).

> No one:
> 
> Me, every single hour of every single day: Buck is _good_, Buck is _beautiful_, Buck is _important_, Buck **_deserves to be happy_**!!!
> 
> This is pretty much the sum of what I've written in 2k and more words because I'm back on my bullshit and still feel more comfortable not writing dialogues. I love Evan Buckley so damn much and I knew that sooner or later I would find myself writing a character study declaring how much I love him and empathize with him (I think a lot of this is me projecting on his character lol i'm not sorry).  
Also this is inspired by a post from mrs @adamngoodbatch that was so kinda to hear me rumble yesterday evening after I ambushed her on tumblr. So this is dedicated to her.

One would look at Evan Buckley and think  _ that man has everything. _

One would look at Evan Buckley, his blond hair, blue eyes, at his glorious six point two feet of toned, muscular body and think  _ that man is living the dream. _ One would look at Evan Buckley, the firefighter, the hero, and think that he has everything one could ever want. 

One person who doesn’t know Evan Buckley’s life, that sees him from afar, from behind a beautiful glass, might presume that he has the happiest, most fulfilling, rewarding life. 

It could be argued that that shiny, beautiful glass through which Evan Buckley makes everyone see his life has been strategically manufactured by mister Evan Buckley himself. It could be said that he has spent years and years building the glass, polishing it to perfection and trapping himself behind it. 

Many people have walls, barricades that prevent the outside world to see what their life is. Most people, when they crash, wants to have a place to hide, they want protection. Evan Buckley has his castle of glass where everything is displayed perfectly for everyone to see, to show off how much beautiful and perfect he crafted every aspect of his life to be.

He plants a smile on his face and he goes on with the flow, he shows what he wants you to see, leaving you to believe that you have seen all that’s there to see. He exposes himself on his good angles so you can turn around and go away satisfied,  _ you know Buck, you’ve seen Buck, Buck has allowed you to really see him _ . 

One could think that he’s a little dense, he has an easy smile and sometimes things can go over his head a little too easily. You dismiss him a little but he doesn’t care, he shrugs it off easily, he doesn’t really care if you joke on his expenses, he laughs with you. 

One could think that he doesn’t do relationships, he’s not mature enough for that, he just likes to have sex with whoever he wants because he’s pretty and he’s a flirt and he can bring home any girl he likes. He’s not the guy to bring home to moms and for thanksgivings. He’s just there to have a good time and he’s  _ totally  _ okay with that.

The issue with glass, the fact the most people who first meet Buck tend to forget, is that glass is very easy to crack. And Buck has spent years, all his strength and all his willpower, to build the castle and keep it  _ just perfect _ , that sometimes he also forget the second rule of glass. Glass can shatter and glass when is cracked or shattered, can cut. 

Buck is tall, he is handsome and flirty, he has blue eyes and blond hair and that cute little birthmark just above his eyebrow, and he’s also the most insecure person you’ll ever meet in your life. 

Buck has spent,  _ wasted  _ years manufacturing this fake exterior for people to see, to blind them with his shiny facade. He has started building it so young he can’t even remember when it all began. He remembers his mother telling him how pretty he was, pinching his cheeks, encouraging to chase some little girls and pulling their pigtails,  _ is that your girlfriend? _ , looking at him angry when he cried because someone was being mean. He remembers his father telling him to grow up,  _ man up _ , stop fussing around, slapping him at every little inconvenience, every sign of weakness,  _ men don’t cry! _

He remembers thinking that they were wrong but he also remember being so terrified of them that he forced himself to do as they said. He had a lot of girlfriends, he had a lot of friends, he was the man they wanted him to be when he was twelve. Not an insecurity, not a doubt, not a tear. He was Evan Buckley, he was cool, the poster child of what every Pennsylvania son should be, strong and calm, unfading and stoic, a ladies’ man, a little dumb and very cocky.

He remembers wanting to get out of that house so bad, just to be able to stop pretending. 

One could say that when he finally escaped it was too late. The castle of glass was already there, too strong to get down only because he didn’t have anyone else reminding him to keep it up. Too thick to really hear what everyone else was saying, trying to pry him out of it. It wasn’t healthy but it was safe and maybe he could pretend for a little while. There was no harm in going on like always for the fire academy or maybe longer, for when he started working at the 118 so the team will like him, they’ll be his friends and then maybe he won’t need it anymore. 

One could say that the first crack happened when he met Eddie Diaz. 

One could say that the first time he looked at him, for his very first reaction, that Buck hated Eddie Diaz. The truth was that he had never seen a man so beautiful that he forgot how he was supposed to act. No one had ever warned him that a toned chest and strong arms and kind, brown eyes would make him feel like that. It was a bullet straight to his chest, stopped by the thick glass, a glacial sound of the pristine crystal fracture under the force of Eddie’s gaze. 

He let himself have that little compromise, Eddie’s friendship for the small crack. He can pretend that it’s not there, he’s happier than before just because the new recruit is his life, the other won’t notice the scratch if he cover it with a more blinding smile, with more jokes, with his hard work. 

Christopher doesn’t help, the bond they form is so unusual that he doesn’t really know how to make it work but the kid is the purest human being he has ever met and he doesn’t feel judged or in need to take cover. One would say the get along because Buck is a child at heart, he has the emotional growth of an eight years old. Buck let them think that if in return he gets to spend time with someone who loves him without conditions. 

The bomb, the explosion, the firetruck crashing his leg, the pain, the fear, the anger, the flames, the screams. It all came down crashing and shattering what was left of his pretty, shiny castle. 

He wasn’t even aware of how fragile it had become. 

He didn’t even realize how cracked already was, how thin. Eddie kept peeling down layers upon layers, scratches after scratches, every smile was another punch against the glass trying to break it down, every night out, every emergency answered together, every sign of trust and affection, making his attention wavers, forgetting too often how pristine it had always needed it to be.

When he woke up from his surgery, pain flashing through all his body, he knew he couldn’t start building it again. He was too tired. It was gone and he was walking on sharp shards of glass. 

One could say that after the incident, Buck was no longer the same. He was still pretty, he still had his cute blue eyes and perfectly styled hair but they lost their shine. He was still tall and toned but he walked slow and hunched. 

One could say the incident changed him, made him shyer and more grumpy. One could say that all he did was complain and cry, never leaving his home, feeling sorry for himself.

When everyone he loved turned against him, even after the tsunami, after  _ everything  _ he had to go through, he thought  _ they were right _ . His mom was right, his dad was right. He shouldn’t let them really see him because when they did, they didn’t like him. He was in the open, glasses still all around him, and they couldn’t understand. He was real, he was in pain, he wanted support and they abandoned him. 

Everyone was saying that he was a child, he was immature, he was rushing too much, he wasn’t ready. Everyone was going on with their life leaving him behind just like he was afraid they would do. 

No one said  _ you’re allowed to feel like this, you can cry, we will wait, you’ll feel better _ . No one was really there. No one really meant it. No one was missing him.

They were ripping apart what was left of his life, denying him to go back to doing what he loved, the only thing he was good at. He was feral, he wanted to climb back in his role with his teeth and nails, he wanted to show them how ugly he could become and how much he loved them even if they hated him. Maybe they didn’t want him around but he had to fight, he didn’t want the money, he wanted his family back. It was the only thing that mattered. 

He could smile, he could pretend again if they needed him to. He was so tired and it might take awhile but he could build the castle again and behind the glass they would be able to love him. 

“You know how much Christopher misses you?” 

Buck would say that those words were an actual bullet, with no glass shield to protect him, lodged right between his ribs, punching the air out of his lungs. 

“I didn’t realize” he just says but it’s not an  _ I don’t care _ or even an I _ didn’t think about it _ . 

He cared so much and it was all he could think about. About Christopher who was the only person who had loved him ever seeing the real him without him even noticing it. And about Eddie who had pushed so hard to help him crack the defences and step into his comfort zone, who for a while Buck believed could actually invite inside and open up his real self to. 

Buck would think that if everyone else would reject him than even Eddie and Chris would not miss him. He said  _ I didn’t realize _ but it meant  _ I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that neither you nor Chris would miss me at all _ . Just like everybody else. Why would they miss him if this new, defenceless Buck was such an asshole? Why would they care if not that long ago he lost Chris during the tsunami and he was so coward to even face Eddie and tell him? Why would they want him if he couldn’t be a firefighter and his life was so worthless. 

Buck, for just a second, would think Eddie was mad at him. Angry shouts would be an indicator of how much Eddie was hating him. But for once Buck looked at him and he actually saw him. 

He didn’t know behind what wall or glass or cover Eddie was hiding before but in that moment, raw rage, hurt words, clear eyes, Eddie was standing in front of him naked.  _ This is the real me and I’m angry because I miss you, because I can’t call you, because you did this to me _ .

Maybe in the past he had seen glimpses of this Eddie, just like he had let Eddie see glimmers of himself. Buck wanted to go to him and inspect every angle and every shadow and every change he hadn’t noticed before. He wanted to say  _ I see you and I love you, please tell me that you love me even after you’ve seen me _ . He wanted to be true and really understand what it meant to love and be loved by someone who really knows you and accept you nonetheless. He wanted to step over the glass he was still keeping scattered around him, preventing people to want to get closer, and reach him and really have him. 

Buck would  _ love  _ him. To really love him he would accept to stay naked, too. 

Someone could say Evan Buckley is a little dense but they still have to see what he’ll be able to do to get what he wants. They could say Evan Buckley is beautiful but they don’t know how a real fire behind his eyes can change him and make him splendid. They could think he doesn’t do relationships but they don’t know how much he wants to keep and cherish the family he’ll beg Eddie to allow him to have. 


End file.
